A Short History of the Banana Republic

The history of the Banana Republic can be traced back over nine hundred years to a simple boat trip across the English Channel. What began as a pilgrimage to the shrine of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion culminated in the formation of the country we know today as the Banana Republic. Of the several monks and one nun who were attempting to make the trip only three of them survived the journey to become the founders of the Banana Republic.

The epic pilgrimage began in early 1066 AD and was lead by an obscure English monk, Father Sebastian McFlyingtoad. He and his small group of followers included Sister Mary Typhoid, Fr. McFlyingtoad's man servant Mongo-Mongo, and several brothers and deacons. They had just begun their journey and were crossing the English Channel bound for Calais when a large storm came upon them. In the words of Fr. McFlyingtoad:

"And there came upon us a great wind, like that of passed gas after a good meal, and we were swept up into a sky of angry clouds and thunder. Fear swept our hearts but quickly the Holy Spirit* was in us and the revelation of our true purpose became lucid. And Lo, a mighty voice bellowed forth from the heavens, and thus it spake, "Take ye and thy humble vessel with its contents and voyage upon the Great Seas, sick as ye may be, spouting forth vile liquids from thy oral orifices, and when ye have arrived ye shall be full of the Holy Spirit in much the same way as ye are now. Thy stout vessel will come ashore and thy disciples will stagger forth unto the new land where they will fall in their tracks and die like flies after laying their eggs in a large dog faece. Then ye shall claim the new land in the name of the Lord*** your God." We obeyed the voice from the heavens, though suspect we be of it. Yea! Brothers and sisters, as it could be a spectre from the future! Possibly a tape recording, whatever that is, projected by the devil's own evil minions!"

So Father McFlyingtoad and his disciples continued sailing in their small 32 foot barge to their unknown destination. After about six months without food or water they came upon a great sea chariot. Once they set foot on the sea chariot they quickly realized that it was full of the Holy Spirit! After bloating themselves on the vile liquid they remembered the revelation: "...and when ye have arrived ye shall be full of the Holy Spirit..." So the end of their great journey must be neigh! The disciples quickly set about doing the Lords work preparing to land. It was about this time that brother Dominic discovered that some of the Holy Spirit they had drunk was in reality cleaning fluid!** It so happened that all of the disciples except Fr. McFlyingtoad, Sister Mary Typhoid and Fr. McFlyingtoad's right hand man, Mongo-Mongo, had partaken of the fluid and were doomed to die slow, horrible deaths! Fr. McFlyingtoad later wrote that he considered this to be the low point of an otherwise only mildly annoying voyage.

It was not long after the those who had partaken of the cleaning fluid began to wretch did Mongo-Mongo spy the island. A friendly current slowly lured them onto a sandy beach where a safe landing was made. And so the remaining pilgrims staggered onto the beach and in accordance with what the Great Voice had bellowed six months previous, all of the doomed disciples dropped as if great steaming loads of Holy excreta had fallen on them from the heavens above. And so they perished like squirming mucous coated maggots vainly struggling in a great pool of DDT. After long and tortuous deaths only three remained; Father McFlyingtoad, Sister Mary Typhoid and Mongo-Mongo were the only surviving pilgrims remaining alive on the island. And so, once again in accordance with the Great Voice, the three of them claimed the new land in the name of the Lord.

In order to perpetuate the species on the island and carry on the great McFlyingtoad family name Father McFlyingtoad and Sister Mary Typhoid had to break their sacred vows. And so the Banana Republic was born (as well as many little McFlyingtoads) with Father and Mrs. McFlyingtoad living in sin. Mongo-Mongo just liked to watch.

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* In this case the Holy Spirit is now thought to be a cheap domestic Rum. It was often carried in large quantities to make otherwise dull voyages more exciting.

* Unfortunately, after the long and taxing sea journey the pilgrims were unable to detect the difference between cleaning fluid and cheap rum. Thus, they were doomed due to their bad taste in distilled beverages.

* The "Lord" they refer to here is not thought to actually be "THE LORD" as in God, but, rather, Safwat G. Zvonko, then head of the CIA. This fact gave rise to the speculation that "the Great Wind" was in fact a CIA weather control experiment gone amok. It was also the basis for recent Soviet allegations of CIA activity in the BR.

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Copy of an original woodcut print depicting Father Sebastian McFlyingtoad making landfall on the land which would soon become known as the Banana Republic in late 1066.

Artwork ©1978 by Stanley J. Alluisi

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